maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
You Might Also Like
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense