Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
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Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.