Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
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Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly