You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
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*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Battery falling down a hole
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir