Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
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Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”