“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
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Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Name this drama.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck: