Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
You Might Also Like
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit