My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
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Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4