i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
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Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
what the
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Barbie gone wild
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!