i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
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My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!