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Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.