Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
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Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”