Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
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Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
A classic…
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”