COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
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@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember