My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
You Might Also Like
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant