Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
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Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
What a chick magnet..
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.