I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
You Might Also Like
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
This is my cat’s medicine.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*