Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
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I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
kitchen magnet
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.