I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
You Might Also Like
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Thrilling chase underway
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.