My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
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Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of