for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
You Might Also Like
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.