“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
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If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.