“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
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whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
TRAIN’S HERE
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.