Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
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*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
A collection of me turning into random objects.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?