Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
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If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Me, reading some of your tweets
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…