I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
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A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
When you’re here for the treats.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢