Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
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Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
this makes me so uncomfortable