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This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.