WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
You Might Also Like
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet