Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

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“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.


Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right


Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’


Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.


My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that


Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”


learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument


Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.