@p_net

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

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@YourFavMexi_Can

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

@coffeeandvinyl1

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

@SuperMascott

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

@wildethingy

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

@envydatropic

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

@peterjpappas

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

@Cryptoterra

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

@MarkTConard

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.