Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
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I saw nothing
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Breaking news:
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.