Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
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A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Does this dress make me look cat?
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus