St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
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ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
motivation
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”