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It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.


ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective


I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming


4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.


[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*


Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*


I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.


We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore