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i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
God: you can breathe underwater!
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
Fish: just on the land or something?
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
(Don’t you judge me.)
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]