It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
You Might Also Like
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”