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Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
socratic questions
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…