T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
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Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
real
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I support this random dude and all his protests
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6