my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
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still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools