Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
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me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
my dog when i have a friend over
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ