The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
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You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
the three genders
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.