The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
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What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
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ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?