[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
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My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album