japanese corn
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[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.