Who did this…? 💫⚡️
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*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!