“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
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discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*