They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
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Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
The “research” scene in every horror movie
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
the prophecy has been fulfilled
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it