I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
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Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
My dress code is business-casualty.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
the last thing a carrot sees