Omg 🤣
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if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick