Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
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“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
He a real one for that
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.