Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
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Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Every work call, he judges.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
no
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”