Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
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No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.