What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
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[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?