First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
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It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Your secret is safeish with me
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
You got this…
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned