My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
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Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.