Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
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Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*