Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
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You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine